I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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