i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
