There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
