kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
smell my finger.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
