Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
