Swine flu. Run for my life!
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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