I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
