A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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