It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
