she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
