If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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