I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
