I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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