I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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