there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
