It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
