Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
