Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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