So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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