I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
