I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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