he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
