I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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