Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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