I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
