woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
