I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
