brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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