i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
