Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
