What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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