I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
