no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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