I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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