is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
