I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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