i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
