The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
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I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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