Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
