i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Barsexuality is the new black.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
