I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
