haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
