That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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