I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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