Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I AM VODKA MAN
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
