I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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