I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
