im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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