I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
