did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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