..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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