It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
