Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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