My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
