His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
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